Purpose #

The purpose of this protocol is to ensure the removal of extraneous floral appendages (commonly known as "blooms") from thorn-bearing stems. Heads are frivolous distractions: gaudy, colorful, desperate little cries for attention. By eliminating them, one preserves the true essence of the flower: its stem, its thorns, its eternal posture of suffering.

Scope #

The protocol applies to: #

• All roses grown within the Addams conservatory, graveyard plots, and suitably gloomy corners of the manor.
• Bouquets brought in by unsuspecting guests, swiftly and mercifully corrected.
• Seasonal arrangements that dare attempt to cheer the household.

Excluded from scope: #

• Carnivorous plants (they protest so vocally).
• Dead flowers, already perfect.

Materials #

• Precision shears, forged in iron and slightly rusted.
• A silver tray for collecting the decapitated blossoms.
• A solemn candle, to honor the occasion.

Procedure #

• Grasp the rose stem firmly, appreciating the sting of its thorns.
• Position shears just below the gaudy bloom.
• With one graceful motion, sever the head.
• Discard the blossom with elegant disdain
  • Preferably into a vase of stagnant water, where it may contemplate its swift mortality.
• Retain the stem, arranging it proudly in gothic vases, skeletal in beauty.

Risks & Mitigations #

• Risk: Neighbors may recoil in horror.
  • Mitigation: Delight in their discomfort.
• Risk: Blossoms may attempt symbolic “rebirth” in compost.
  • Mitigation: Burn them ceremonially under moonlight.

Success Criteria #

• Rows of pristine, headless stems stretching toward the ceiling like mourners in eternal grief.
• Absence of color, presence of sharpness.
• Atmosphere enhanced with subtle menace and quiet beauty.