Purpose #

The purpose of this initiative is to liberate Morticia Frump (now tragically Morticia Addams) from the overbearing charm of Gomez Addams. By leveraging subtle chemical intervention (namely, the application of hemlock to Mr. Addams’ ever-present cigars) one can restore balance to the universe and reclaim Morticia’s hand, as was once intended.

Scope #

This operation encompasses: #

The procurement and preparation of Conium maculatum (hemlock).
The discreet treatment of Gomez Addams’ cigars with said preparation.
The subsequent removal of Gomez as a rival suitor, ideally with minimum fuss and maximum finality.

Excluded from scope: #

Any direct confrontation with Gomez (he is distressingly enthusiastic with swords).
Harm to Morticia herself. Perish the thought. She is to remain pristine, radiant, and once again mine.

Materials #

A sprig of fresh hemlock (common along New England hedgerows).
Mortar and pestle for preparation.
An eyedropper for delicate application.
A fresh box of Havana cigars, identical to Gomez’s usual stock.

Procedure #

Harvest and grind hemlock into a fine tincture.
Using eyedropper, infuse cigar tips with the extract. Sparingly, so as not to arouse suspicion.
Replace Gomez’s cigars with the altered batch, ideally while the family is distracted (Thing is an unpredictable observer).
Await results: first dizziness, then collapse, then opportunity.
Console Morticia with impeccable timing, reminding her of our once-blooming courtship.

Risks & Mitigations #

Risk: Gomez may discover the tampering and duel me at dawn.
- Mitigation: Avoid dawn.
Risk: Thing, Lurch, or other household members may detect foul play.
- Mitigation: Bribe them with manicures (Thing) or melancholy sheet music (Lurch).
Risk: Poison proves too swift, and Morticia suspects.
- Mitigation: Insist it was merely a tragic accident: cigars are so dangerous!

Success Criteria #

Gomez Addams no longer in matrimonial picture (preferably in a tasteful coffin).
Morticia restored to her rightful fiancé, Rupert Styx.
A future of candlelit evenings, long walks through graveyards, and renewed engagement announcements in The Gazette.